When I was in eighth grade, my English teacher handed out a “No Excuses, No Mercy” list of words that every eighth grader should be able to use correctly in context. She wasn’t asking a lot, mainly the correct use of there/their/they’re, your/you’re, to/two/too, and the fact that “a lot” is two words, not one. The consequence of violating the list was something like a reduced score on the assignment no matter how you cried or how loudly your parents yelled. I remember being surprised that enough kids were making these mistakes that she needed to make a list for us. “These guys have been in class with me since first grade,” I thought, “how did they get this far without learning this??”
The list shortly disappeared into the black hole that was my backpack and I never gave it a second glance. The idea stuck with me long into adulthood, however. I’m finally motivated enough to make my own, so here is the official El Chris No Excuses, No Mercy List for Life.
Be an adult and go to the dentist.
SURPRISE! Nobody likes the dentist. Again, you’re not special. You’re normal. But for serious. Quit complaining and go to the dentist. Floss your teeth, brush them, then mouthwash. In that order. Then see your dentist once a year. If you do that then you’ll likely not have the same problem as the Ke$ha fan in this comic. Go. To. The. Dentist.
Chew with your mouth closed.
This is why you’re single and will never find love. This is why everybody in your break room hates you. These malignant masticators who chew with their mouths open are the same ones who use the office microwave to reheat Tuesday’s garlic sriracha fish fillet and stink the place up. Hell, it’s the guy you chewing gum with his mouth open on the bus in the morning. You know, the guy still using hair gel and wearing Under Armor as going-out clothes. That guy. Don’t be that guy. Close your fucking mouth.
Grow a pair and get your bloodwork and shots.
Whoopee doo. You don’t like needles. That doesn’t make you special, that makes you normal. The people who LIKE needles are the ones you need to worry about. Go the doctor, get your physical, and get your shots. And don’t try with your anti-vax garbage. Thimerosol isn’t even in most vaccines and even if it were, you know what’s scarier than being too stupid to understand the difference between ethylmercury & methylmercury? Fucking measles. Stop being stupid and get your shots.
Back up your damn photos
Yeah no but really. You know people who lost all their photos. You’ve lost all your photos. Your phone broke/got stolen/had some magical glitch when you were drunk. This is not a surprise. This happens and odds are it WILL happen. Back them up on your computer AND in the cloud. I use Google Photos to sync my photos with my work phone, my personal phone, and my external hard drive on my computer. I can access them all in an instant and if my house burns down, I’ll still have my photos. If you don’t like Google, you can use Amazon drive for free unlimited storage if you’re a prime member.
You can sign up for a free Dropbox account, or you can use Flickr’s insane free TERABYTE of storage. At this point, the only excuse you have for losing all your photos and contacts is laziness.
Know your damn passwords
This one is especially infuriating because people who don’t bother to remember their passwords are WAY more likely to ask me to “fix” their phone. Well, if I can’t log in to ANYTHING then I can’t tell you why you can’t get into Farmville or help you delete all the spam you get or really do much of anything at all unless you know your passwords. Write down a list and keep it in a safe place. Make a secure password that you can remember. Do SOMETHING.
I mean for Pete’s sake here. It’s on the SAME DAY every year, and every year I see people scrambling at the last second and act like it’s a complete surprise that it’s Christmas and the doctor’s office/post office/bank is closed. How do you function?
Stop being surprised that it’s Monday
Just like Christmas, it’s the same day every week. Monday is the day that follows Sunday. Generally, you have to work Monday. I see people online posting things like “Nothing is worse than being hungover on a Monday” or “I didn’t get enough sleep last night because I slept until noon” or some other damn thing you’d think was an ironic joke from Cathy but nope. It’s real life. It happens every week, so SURPRISE it’ll happen again. Do. Better.